Trial and errors

I had a thought the other night, and the recent flurry of dating posts has inspired me to actually verbalize it. Many of you (you all know who you are and I can't thank you enough) have had to listen to me bitch and moan - a lot - about my relationship trials and tribulations, and all the anxiety that accompanies them for me. But last night I was thinking that, all things considered, I've been pretty lucky in dating and relationships since I've moved out to San Diego. Granted, none of them have been entirely successful and I'd much rather be in a long-term relationship by now and not continuously doing the whole dating thing, but still. I've managed to have 2 1/2 relatively intense relationships, where, although they didn't all last as long as I might have liked (keep your fingers crossed for the current relationship, people), I really got to know the girls, had a really strong emotional connection with them, and got to experience all of the highs and the lows that come with real relationships. And for all my griping, I realize that things like these don't come around that often, and that I've really been lucky to have had these experiences in such a relatively short period of time.

When I first met H last spring and things really started clicking, I was just knocked off my feet. I had feelings of an intensity that I hadn't experienced for a LONG time. It was really like I was falling head over heels. And although it flamed out a lot quicker than I would have liked, just knowing that I could feel that way again and that someone could have that kind of effect on me was a real revelation. I had honestly gotten to the point where I felt as though I was never going to have those intense feelings again. It had been so long that I just assumed that once you got older and had been through things a few times, those really powerful feelings that you felt when you met someone fantastic would never be quite the same, and while I certainly hoped to find someone who I really dug and was fantastic, I didn't expect the knock-your-socks-off kinds of feelings to come around again. And now to have had several relationships in a row with that similar intensity of feeling again? It's almost too much to ask for.

So I realize now how lucky I've been, although I know I haven't always fully appreciated it, mostly because I was too busy picking things apart or just being wracked with insane amounts of anxiety. Now I just need to work on keeping this mind set, and enjoying what I've got. My best friend in the world (and others as well) gave me some very sage advice that I've tried to follow, with varying amounts of success: "Be as fair to yourself as you want to be with her. Enjoy it. We spend too much time trying to get something that we forget to enjoy it when it is there." Sounds simple, but it doesn't necessarily come that easily for me. But I'm gonna keep working on it, and hopefully one day I'm going to make one of these relationships stick.